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Saturday, November 18, 2006

What Were They Smoking? Eve of Destruction (1991)

I haven't done a "What were they smoking," piece in a while, but I was inspired to bring it back yesterday when I walked into my neighborhood supermarket and heard the Turtles' bubblegum pop version of "Eve of Destruction," on the overhead speaker. My first thought was "why would Jewel Osco pick a song about nuclear war to play for its customers?" Then I thought, "Wasn't that also a really terrible movie?" Oh yes, it was.

Gregory Hines is inexplicably cast as a counterinsurgency expert. The movie actually describes him as "the guy the Government calls in when they don't want Congress to know." Maybe the government was taking softshoe lessons and wanted to surprise Congress at their 215th anniversary party. Anyway, he's called in to track down Eve (Renée Soutendijk), a sexy cyborg run amok. Eve's standard weapons include a nuclear bomb, which for unexplained reasons is on board during Eve's pilot testing. So of course it is up to Hines and a few incidental military types to hunt Eve down and diffuse her.

Eve was designed in the likeness of a scientist (also played by Renée Soutendijk) and is even programmed with some of her memories and feelings. If you are wondering why her programmers would do that, I can offer you no explanation other than the writers needed an excuse to put the sexy cyborg in sexy positions. Guys seem to like Eve because she's hot and Dutch and she doesn't say much (a la Species). They are all OVER that Eve of destruction. Yes, there is actually a scene in which she bites off a guy’s penis. I was only eleven and fairly innocent when this movie first started playing on Cinemax (eight times a day) but that image will be forever emblazoned in my memory. Hilariously, Eve takes particular exception to being called "bitch" and always uses it as a trigger to go violent. I’m guessing the writer/director, Duncan Gibbons, might have had a few issues with the ladies. Then again, looking at his brief filmography, which includes “The Best of Wham!” and a series of Eurythmics videos, I’d wager that he was probably gayer than dad’s old hat band.

What they were smoking: judging by the body count, I’d have to go with PCP.


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